I came across this elsewhere and thought it deserved to be posted
here.
The Brady Bunch On Jerry Springer
Jerry Springer: Good afternoon and welcome to another edition of the
inexplicably popular Jerry Springer show. I am your inexplicably
popular host Jerry Springer. On today's show we are taken inside the
recent lives of a certain famous all-American family. I'm sure
everyone watching will be familiar with our guests.
(Brady Bunch Theme Song starts in the background)
Springer: So here they are. The famous Brady Bunch!
(We see them walk out on to stage. None of them look like they did
when America first got to know them in the late 60s. Marcia looks very
much like a stoned pothead. Jan has a tense angry expression on her
face and is shooting daggers at Marcia. Greg is wearing what looks
suspiciously like a prison uniform. Bobby's hair is cut in a Mohawk
fashion and his pants are ripped, plus there are safety pins in his
ears. Peter walks on looking at his watch and muttering about being
late for an important meeting. Carol comes in, followed by Mike. Both
are using walkers and wearing AARP t-shirts. All of them sit down. All
except for one.
Springer: So good to see you all here. Except for- where's Cindy?
Carol: She couldn't come. She had more important matters!
Jan: Important matters. As in going to her job working at Dino's strip
joint?
Mike: Jan! You don't talk disrespectfully about your sister now you
hear?
Springer: And where's Alice?
Mike: She stepped down as maid a long time ago. She claims we were
guilty of wage slavery!
Springer: Okay. Now I know there is a serious grudge between two of
you-
Jan: That's right!! This tramp over here!
Springer: We will get to that later. In the meantime I'm sure the
audience wants to know what each of you have been up to since the show
ended long ago. We'll start with you Greg. Why are you wearing that
ankle bracelet?
Greg: So the prison guards can know where I am.
Springer: Prison guards? What did you do to get you thrown in prison
Greg?
Greg: I was a draft dodger. The army drafted me to go fight in Asia. I
tried to get a deferment. They wouldn't let me. So I skipped town.
Springer: Where did you go Greg?
Greg: I went to Nebraska.
Springer: But that's not a foreign country Greg!
Greg: I know that now. But I didn't at the time and the police caught
me. I've been in the federal pen since then.
Springer: Fascinating. Now what about you Marsha?
Marcia: Well I intended to go to college to study fashion design.
However I wound up getting married to a guy who took me to the commune
where he lives. We hang around all day and we wear beads and smoke
weed and stuff.
Springer: You don't have any of that stuff on you now do you?
Marcia: What, beads?
Springer: No! The green stuff.
Marcia: Oh that! Sure I got plenty. Want some?
Springer: (Uncomfortable) No thank you. What about you Jan?
Jan: Oh I've just been sitting around working as a secretary at the
local real estate office. Doing that while getting over a broken heart
since this disloyal thief came along and stole my boyfriend!
Marcia: I'm not a thief! He-
Springer: Wait a minute Marcia. What have you been up to Bobby?
Bobby: My name is not Bobby Brady anymore. That's an incredibly dumb
name! My name is Bob Bilious and I am lead singer of the popular punk
rock band Voluminous Vomit. We have a new CD out called "We are not
just a generic Green Jelly/Sex Pistols rip-off". Check it out
everyone!
Springer: I will do that Bobby. What about you Peter?
Peter: (Standing up) Excuse me. I have to run. I must finish filing
those papers and then be ready to prepare the coffee for the board
meeting. Being a corporate drone can keep you busy (rushes out the
door).
Springer: So Mike and Carol. How are you two doing in your retirement?
Carol: Oh it's fun. I just sit around and watch cooking shows and he
sits around and fools with junk.
Mike: Making model airplanes is not junk Carol!
Carol: It is too!
Springer: Okay. Now the moment you've all been waiting for. Jan Brady
will now explain why she hates her sister Marcia!
Jan: I hate this wench because she stole my boyfriend! I was dating
her husband before he met her. Then he dumped me so he could marry
her! She's off having fun with him while I'm stuck doing slave labor
in the real estate office. She's a nasty, whoring-
Marcia: (Yelling) That's enough out of you you little B*tch! You
didn't help matter when you spread the rumor around school that I was
a lesbian!
Jan: Well you sure do act like one!
Marcia: Why you (Grabs a chair and attacks Jan with it)
Mike: Carol and I will sit this one out.
(Meanwhile Bobby has wandered off into the audience and is trying to
sell copies of the album to people who are trying to watch the fight
between Marcia and Jan. Two police officers enter.
Cop: Is Gregory Brady here?
Greg: That's me!
Cop: We have a warrant for your arrest on charges of marijuana
possession.
Greg: But I'm already in jail. I was just smoking it outside the
studio. Besides Marsha does it all the time.
Cop: Well okay.
(The police wind up arresting Greg and Marcia as well as Jan because
she was hitting Marcia over the head with a table leg and Bobby
because it turns out that he hit a club patron over the head with a
bottle of beer. Mike and Carol are nabbed because they hung around
long enough to be implicated in the caper. Peter is picked up when it
is discovered that he was in fact embezzling money from the
corporation where he worked. And Cindy gets drunk at the strip joint
where she works and dances naked into the streets. All of the Bradys
wind up serving jail time and all of them wind up in the same jail
cell.
Springer: We'll be back after this!
I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was
fun to bash two of the worst TV shows of all time. Please check out
the humorous works by the other participants in the Brady Bunch
Write-Off.
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