From: Gymdandy@webtv.net
Newsgroups: alt.tv.brady-bunch
Subject: Death of an obese Homosexual
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2003 15:21:56 -0500 (CDT)
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John Ritter like Robert Reed apparently was perverted....
It was announced today that John Ritter died suddenly today. At first it
was assumed; due to his obesity and the fact his mouth was stuffed with
Twinkies, that he had, in fact, died of a heart attack. Later it was
determined to be AIDS related.
John Ritter made a name for himself by firing Suzanne Sommers off of his
popular TV Series. "I'm the one with talent" (and a fat ass and beer gut
apparently) he was quoted at the time.
When the series was first conceived Ms Sommers insisted that her
character's father be a minister to reflect her own Christian values.
When the series failed to get approved by a good network (AKA NBC or
CBS) John took this one joke show to last place ABC. When ABC liked the
series but said they didn't approve of two women and one man John said
"The hell with it, let's just steal an idea outright from the BBC and
make him gay." Unfortunately John stole the entire concept. When Ms
Sommers said "Why don't we do something original instead of stealing,
after all it is wrong to show perverted people on TV", the feud between
the actors began.
Playing Jack was easy for the zoftig actor as, being a closeted
homosexual was a natural, and he surrounded himself with other
homosexuals like Don Knotts, Norman Fell and Joyce "I've done nothing
since the series ended as I'm typecasted, despite the fact the two
characters that people remember Jack and Chrissie, are played by people
who HAVE done other things successfully, it isn't my fault." DeWitt.
Sommers was replaced by infomercial queen Jennie Lee Harrison, who after
refusing the advancing of an aging DeWitt, was in turn replaced by
Pricilla Barnes. The flat chested Pricilla was introduced to keep DeWitt
from causing ABC to pay any more hush money, to keep DeWitt's sexual
harassment down to a minimum. "Why doesn't that girl have tits?" said
DeWitt. "John has 'em".
After the colossal failure of this follow up series, "Three's a crowd"
He had notable failure in Hooperman and another series with lipstick
lesbian "markie post." Both failed as the now excessive heavyweight was
playing opposite attractive people and it was no long believable that
they would find him attractive. Or even straight. The failure's were
infact due to Ritter's insistance the other characters on his show say
he was attractive. Ms Post was quoted at the time as saying "John is a
FAT ASS. Gay people like buff guys. John is not worth watching. He is
too sissified. We have him let's convert one of those staright hunks
from Dynasty."
After starring in Problem Child he was paroled (after sexually fondling
the child of the movie's name) and met future wife, the stunningly
beautiful and intelligent Amy Yasbek. He proposed, not marriage but a
plan to hide his sick perversion behind a wedding. The breathtaking
Yasbeck replied "As long as you don't touch me."
Amy knew, due to John's homosexuality he would be dead soon, and she
would stand to get his money and insurance. She said he wanted to have
kids with me but I said "I have no immunity to AIDS. It simply isn't
possible my svelt, hauntingly beautiful self could EVER be attracted to
a man with 4 chins and a 7 stomachs."
After his death today Ms Yasbek was quoted as saying "of course the kids
aren't crying. Why should they be? They aren't his." She further
continued with an irritated look "Frankly, you people suprise me. My
children are slim and atttractive. Do you see a moon face on them? A
watermellon ass? A protuding gut? Of course not. How could you think
these beautiful children could be in anyway related to that fat cow. And
cow is correct. Not bull"
John Ritter's death came swiftly after chasting his wife (obviously
upset that she was good looking and he wasn't) for only bringing him a
case of Twinkies and not having them deep fried, the morbidly obese
actor waddled over to the flash fryer and fried up some Snickers.
Dressed only in a speedo, his mounds of heaping flesh cascaded over the
small undergarment causing many to projectile vomit. Ironically if these
people had been in the room it may have saved him, as at the time of the
AIDS related problem he would have had someone looking at him and
knowing he was wrong.
He said "Help me, help me..." The crew assumed his lard ass wanted more
candy bars to fry. Last time they came near him when he was eating an
aide lost her finger.
Quotes:
Joyce DeWitt was unconsoleable."Well why shouldn't I cry. A Three's
Company Reunion was the only chance I'll ever have of getting back on
TV."
Ms Sommers was quoted as saying "He didn't have me FRIED, he had me
FIRED. Of course with his enourmous ass the mistake isn't your fault."
Ms Barnes..."I tell you I was TOO on the show." I AM an actress.
Don Knotts..."Who cares, if my Emmy winning ass didn't step in to save
him after he fired Suzanne the show would've died right there. [ed
note--Mr Knotts hositlity has been attributed to Ritter's refusal to
service him sexually. "He said my penis has wrinkles. You would think a
fat ass like him woud jump at the chance to do a showbiz legend."}
Ms Yasbek was quoted "I guess we sould bury him? Does anyone have a
piano crate?" When asked about her pleasent mood she replied "At least
now I can date someone WITHOUT bitch tits."
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