CIA’s Waterboard Found Leaking
ALEXANDRIA, Va –John C. Kiriakou became the first CIA officer
to face prison for disclosing classified information, when a
federal judge sentenced him on Friday to 30 months in prison.
Kirakou had discussed waterboarding techniques in 2007
on ABC News. In subsequent emails, it was found that
Kirakou had disclosed the name of an undercover
CIA waterboarding professional to Mrs. Mildred Kornblight
of Kansas City, Kansas, who gossiped it to her hairdresser,
who whispered it to Paula Broadwell, who leaked it to a
freelance reporter, who gave it to the New York Times,
and then before you knew it, it went viral on YouTube
and the CIA’s waterboard was leaking like a wino on
a subway wall.
Kirakou was soon arrested while croaking out a questionable
rendition of “Smoke on the Water” at DiCarlo’s Mustard Seed
Karaoke Club in Kansas City.
Kirakou had previously led a group of agency and
Pakistani security officers in the capture of a high-level
Al Qaeda facilitator, Abu Dubya Allibaba Double-Bubba
Zubaydah, or “AbuDubyaBubbbaduh” for short.
A well-placed source in the CIA said that the Agency
would subcontract the Army Corp of Engineers to
fix the leaking waterboard, and hoped that they
“would do a better job than they did with the
levees in New Orleans, before Katrina.”
Judge Leona M Brinksmanenema said that Kirakou was
not a whistleblower because waterboarding was a
perfectly legal and moral interrogation method and
that “the only way to stop a bad guy who practices
torture, bone-breaking, disfigurement and killing
is when a good guy practices torture, bone-breaking,
disfigurement and killing.”
Judge Brinksmanenema also observed that the CIA
did not engage in such dubious practices as electroshock,
genital mutilation, rape by animals, or hot pokers under
the fingernails, but instead discreetly subcontracted
such activities to friendly, dictatorship allies.
The judge said that Kiriakou should be ashamed of
himself for not adhering to the CIA’s high standards.
She went on to say that Kirakou had a right to remain
silent, and would not be in so much trouble if he
had done so. She also noted that Kiriakou had
an uncanny resemblance to Garrison Keillor, for
which she said she would add another 5 years
in the pokie.
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