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From: "Thomas Keske" <ptkeske@comcast.net>
Newsgroups: alt.surrealism
Subject: Grandpa Recalls
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Date: Sat, 14 Feb 2009 11:22:22 -0500
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GRANDPA RECALLS
Hip-hip-hooray! They just passed a $787 billion
dollar stimulus package. I new that President
Roosevelt would come through for us little guys.
I'd jump for joy in my hip-hooray, but I just had
another hip surgery.
Wait a minute... FDR isn't still the President, is he?
It's somebody new, isn't it? Oh, yeah, that real
young fella. Oh, what's the difference?
You kids shouldn't laugh. The more things change, the
more they same the same. Just because there's a little
snow on the roof, that doesn't mean that there's not
still a fire in furnace. I'm very fond of saying that.
Drives the kids nuts. That's why I'm fond of saying it.
I bet all these young, wet-behind-the-ears, Obama-era
Baby Boomers probably don't remember this, but I think it
was on September 30 in nineteen hundred and 33, that
President Roosevelt passed a $700 million package
to help the 3.5 million American families on relief rolls.
That was chicken-feed compared to the $2 billion that
President Hoover had provided in business loans through
the Reconstruction Finance Corporation, to prop us industry.
But at least FDR cared about us regular folks, not just
the ding-dang businessmen.
Then in 1933 there was a farm relief bill for $3 billion, and
there was $175 million in 1929 for public buildings, and
$400 million for state roads and $200 million for Navy ships
My wife Doris, rest her soul, wanted $39 for a new vacuum
cleaner, but I said, "No".
I can't quite figure it in my head, anymore. A hundred seventy-five
million plus 3 billions, times 2009 minus 1930, carry the one,
figure in inflation at 3-5% per annum, times 79 years, which would
be approximately 1.04 raised to the 79th power, and uhm..
What was I trying to figure?
Oh, heck with it. I think that $787 billions sounds like plenty.
Oughta be more than enough.
Those were the days, the 1930s, my friend. Our dreams are
still the same, us old fools.
You could buy a Butterfinger candy bar for 5 cents.
George G. Blaisdell invented the Zippo lighter in 1932.
Caught on like wildfire, if you don't mind my pun.
It's kind of a play on words.
In 1933, the University of Chicago uncovered the magnificent
palace of King Xerxes in Greece. Alexander the Great had
torched the whole city of Persepolis, in a drunken rage, but
excavators still found some fine murals in flaming scarlet
paint among the burned debris. Betcha never heard that one,
did ya?
FDR said, "The only thing that we have to fear is fear itself".
That was on March 4, 1933. In spite of the grave economic
crisis, Washington was festooned with flags and lively
marching bands. I think that FDR said that, because
he really understood: in this whole, great capitalist system
of ours, greed and fear are the probably the two most dominating
motivating forces. When greed rules, those are good times.
When fear rules, you need a war to stimulate the economy.
Just remember that. Nothing to fear but fear.
And maybe the H-bomb, but that didn't come for a few more decades.
Then FDR took us off the gold standard. I was never
sure about that one. Gold seems to be doing better than dollars.
In 1935 the New York Times circulation had fallen to 9,000
and it was losing $1000 per day. People didn't give it long.
I remember on Jan 8, 1931 when Pope Pompous XI issued
a big encyclopedia, I mean an encyclical denouncing
the evils of birth control. He urged for public officials
to join the Church's crusade to defend morality, and
cited the Vatican's recent concordat with Mr. Mussolini.
A lotta history has a kinda familar ring.
On May 31, 1931 Pope Pompous XI denounced Mussolini,
because the fascists had been attacking church property.
He also condemned communism as being irreconsillyable,
I mean irrwreckonciliable, irresponsible syllables,
I mean irreconcilable, god-dang it, with Church doctrine.
Mussolini, Hitler, America, J.P Morgan and the Church
could all still agree on that point.
Later, Pope Pompous and this Mussolini-fella kissed and
made up, though. No, literally, I really mean it,
I'm not kiddin. The very next year, on Feb 11, 1932
Mussolini literally threw himself to his knees and
kissed the Pope's hand. The Pope invited Mussolini
into his private library. I don't know what they did in there,
but they were in there for about an hour. Look it up.
Oh, wait a minute. I've been saying it wrong.
It wasn't Pope Pompous XI. What the tarnation was it?
Pius? Porous? Poor-house? Pie-hole? Something like that.
That reminds me- last time I went into the Stop&Shop,
I was just looking for some prune juice for my bowels,
and they had this whole aisle that said "Juice Isotonics"
or something like that. Now what in the Sam Hill Blue
Blazes are "Isotonics"? I can't keep up with all this
crazy new-fangled stuff.
There were lots of scandals, back then. In Feb 1931,
there were indictments against Bank of United States
President Bernard K. Marcus. The credibility of banks
had suffered since the '29 crash, and that kinda stuff didn't help.
They had a new plan based on the earlier restructuring of the
Knickerbocker Trust Company by J.P. Morgan, in 1907.
They had thought that one was a big success.
You kids probably don't even remember knickers, do ya?
Well, don't get your knickers in knot. You could be wearing
a Zoot Suit, but probably you'll be wearing a wooden barrel
held up by suspenders.
It's kind of a silver lining for us old fuddy-duddies. You kids
always got bored by our war stories and didn't wanna hear
about the Great Depression days, but maybe now you'll listen.
Then came all the crooks- Pretty Boy Floyd, Bonnie and Clyde,
Al Capone, Ma Barker, Legs Diamond, Baby Face Nelson.
You know, when I think about it, for a bunch of violent criminals,
a heck of a lot of these had some kinda candy-assed sounding names.
Pardon my French, parly-vous excuse-me-waah.
I can see that one comin', I tell ya. Probably see that
same kinda thing, all over again.
You know, when they used to call us "Old Flatulences",
I used to think that was just a random, meaningless irreverent
figure of speech. But now I know better. When you get
old, your bowels really start getting cranky. You start
getting more cranky, too. The whole danged world and
human civilization are starting to get old, and don't smell
so good, either. Don't laugh, you'll be just the same.
But you know what my secret is for living so long?
On Sept 9, 1933 Robert A. Chesebrough finally died,
at the ripe old age of 96. How did he do it?
He was the guy who invented Vaseline, in 1870.
He attributed his longevity to having a spoonful of
Vaseline, every day of his life. He considered it a
virtual cure-all.
It's too bad that it's a petroleum product, cause it
will probably get more expensive, but take it
from an old-timer. Vaseline should only be used
for its intended purpose, mind you, and not used
in any disreputable fashions, but you'd be
amazed what it can do- lubricate hinges, doorknobs,
protect leather from mildew, rust-proof firearms,
use it for hair cream, a substitute for shaving cream.
Why, blind Braille readers even use it to keep their
fingertips supple.
Bet you kids never heard that, did ya? Bet you
all want me to shut up by now, don't ya?
Well, I'm too old to care. So there.
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