MARCHING ORDERS
Any student who does not stand at attention
will be given detention.
Any student causing an explosion will
face immediate expulsion.
We hereby deny all access to foreigners with funny accents.
Any persons supporting immigration shall be subject
to interrogation.
You are allowed only to advocate abstinence.
All objections shall be answered instantly with obstinacy.
We hereby suspend all financial confidentiality.
The police shall impound any person found using
pronouns that are not explicitly gender-specific.
All suspects who do not go to church
shall be subjected to strip-search.
Until further notice, all effeminate males are
effectively forbidden to resume wearing perfume.
Any person resisting lockdown shall be taken
for a ride downtown.
Any person making conjectures about excessive
government agency expenditures shall receive a
stern lecture.
Any person reporting on out-of-court torture
shall be deported.
All information about illegal activities on any
American military bases shall be strictly on
a need-to-know basis.
Any person who is found to lag in their patriotic
duty to wave the flag shall be reported to the office
of the Federal Traitor Investigator.
Any person refusing to feud with our foes shall be
subject to curfew.
All air-travelers shall be denied access to axes and other
sharp instruments. All tourists shall be considered as
potential terrorists.
All library card liberties shall be immediately suspended
until such time as the Constitution can be permanently amended.
Recruits who fail to salute shall be confined in institutions.
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