By Jim Goad
they can be pleasurable, reassuring, invigorating, and downright
Estimates vary widely, but roughly 500 to 1,000 Americans die yearly due
to autoerotic asphyxiation, the act of accidentally suffocating or
strangling oneself to death while purposely cutting off oxygen to the
often go the extra mile to construct impossibly elaborate devices that
would make Rube Goldberg proud.
because many of these cases are categorized as suicides by family members
purposely take your own life than to accidentally croak while trying to
bust a nut.
While autoerotic asphyxiation is by far the most common cause of death by
masturbation, the following list will reveal hapless self-pleasurers who
met their maker due to getting sucked off by a vacuum cleaner,
electrocuting their penis, perforating their bowels with a vibrating
dildo, choking to death on a zucchini, and even pleasuring oneself with
1. 87-year-old man found naked and hanging by his belt.
This is allegedly the oldest victim of an autoerotic fatality ever
reported. He was found hanging by a belt wrapped around his neck in his
living room, naked and bound with ropes that crisscrossed his body from
his legs up to his chest. Investigators discovered semen on his right hand
as well as on the floor.
2. Man perforates bowel after getting vibrating dildo stuck in his anus.
At age 50, Londoner Nigel Willis was an unemployed diabetic who lived with
his mother. He also apparently enjoyed pleasuring himself while having a
vibrating dildo shoved up his crapper. One fateful day late in 2013 he
accidentally lodged the vibrator so far up his rectum that he found it
impossible to extract. He was also so humiliated by the entire sequence of
events that he refused to seek help until five days later, at which point
the little buzzing fake penis had already punctured his colon. He spent
3. Man electrocutes his penis.
This tragic and easily preventable autoerotic fatality could have been
averted if this lonely Australian drunkard who lived alone in a mining
town had settled for traditional, unencumbered, hand-on-penis
plugging in a wall-mounted electrical cord and trying to zap himself into
a state of heightened ecstasy:
The cord had been taken from an electrical appliance; the
appliance plug had been removed from the cord, bare wires being
thus exposed. Attached to one of the live wires of the electric
cord was a 45 cm long metal neck chain, extending down the left
side of the abdomen to a single loop wrapped around with the
chest of the deceased; the earth wire was tucked into the
rubber/fabric shroud of the cord. At the site of contact with
the negative wire on the chest was an electric burn to the skin
extending into subcutaneous fat. A further, patterned,
superficial electric burn mark extended down the left side of
the abdomen and around the base of the penis, the pattern
learned his lesson too late, assuming he learned it at all.
4. Man chokes to death on zucchini during afternoon bout of autoeroticism.
This case involves an under-employed man in his late 20s who grew zucchini
in the backyard of the house he shared with his wife. One afternoon he
Sadly, it was too late to save him. According to the report:
Removal of the trousers showed the penis to be semi-erect; around
the base of the penis was a rubber band. On the lower abdomen and
in the groin was dried, white coloured material, subsequently
impacted in the larynx and oropharynx, totally occluding the
5. Man dies of heart attack after attempting to get a blowjob from a
vacuum cleaner.
A 1988 report from The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology
details the case of a 57-year-old man who joined the Choir Invisible as a
The decedent was naked, leaning against a dining table with his
feet on the floor. His testicles, thighs, and buttocks were
tightly bound with panty hose. Areas in direct contact with the
items, jars of lubricant, a glass of urine, and a wooden table
leg laden with fecal material were on the dining room table.
6. Canadian man dies from incredibly complicated underwater
self-pleasuring contraption.
where a man drowned in a river during an intense underwater jackoff
session. A much later case involves a 25-year-old Canadian who perished as
On his head, the victim had a hockey helmet equipped with a
safety grid. The garments were composed of a two-piece black
a complex bondage system joining together the waist, knees, and
ankles of the victim was observed with meshed metallic chains and
section of electrical wire was also used at the knees. The whole
bondage device was secured at the pubic region by a padlock,
the hockey helmet and straps were also present at each
man was [initially] completely underwater, his feet connected to
a wooden board by ski bindings. The wooden board was linked to
a floating pneumatic boat by an electrical cord. The victim had
linked a long black tube from his mouth to an open plastic
container floating on the lake, thus creating a device for air
supply. The open plastic container allowed air to enter the black
tube and get to the victim.
and this gallant and dedicated masturbatory warrior slowly suffocated to
death.
7. British conservative politician found naked, dead, and with part of an
orange in his mouth.
Stephen Milligan was a conservative Member of Parliament with an
apparently lazy eye. His corpse was found in his London flat in 1994,
no one seems to know quite why.
8. Man heartlessly killed by the tractor he fell in love with.
Love is a many-splendored thing which manifests itself in so many colorful
ways, it might as well be a painting of Ganesha. Ours is not to question
and laugh at them. The book Autoerotic Fatalities details the case of a
to be brutally murdered by the cold, heartless, sadistic, steely
mechanical farming device:
A 42 year-old Asian man was found hanging by the neck, suspended
by a rope attached to the raised shovel of a John Deere Model
in a semi-sitting position by a cloth safety harness strap wrapped
around his neck and clipped to a rope that was hooked to the
raised shovel of the backhoe tractor. A towel was between the
pipe was connected on one end by conduit tape to the hydraulic
tractor. A broom stick was taped to the other end of the pipe and
journal of love poetry dedicated to his tractor that he had named
The victim was unmarried and lived with his parents on their farm.
He also had a reasonable expectation of privacy for an extended
period, as he engaged in this behavior in the late evening down
by the barn. Cause of death was determined to be accidental
autoerotic asphyxiation with carbon monoxide intoxication as a
contributor.
9. British nationalist found dead in a cupboard with a cord wrapped around
his neck.
Kristian Etchells was a prominent member of the British National Front
10. Woman dies of possible stroke while masturbating with a frozen
sausage.
subarachnoid hemorrhage while diddling herself with frozen sausages:
A black woman in her early twenties was discovered in a severely
decomposed condition. She was found on a bed in her locked
apartment where she had resided alone. She was nude and lay face
down with a pillow under her abdomen and her buttocks in the air.
Her right hand was beneath her, near her vagina. Her face was
turned to one side, and a knife was beneath her cheek. On the bed
immediately below her vagina lay a long sausage, which in all
probability, fell from her vagina after death. On the kitchen
counter a package of similar sausages, once frozen, had since
thawed.
11. Woman dies of extreme arousal while masturbating with sex toy.
Nicola Paginton was young, blonde, healthy, vibrant, and seemingly had a
October 2009 when, apparently flicking her bean to some porn video on her
Reverend Gary Aldridge of Montgomery, AL, died and went to heaven to meet
his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ after a 2007 incident at his home that
and wearing a face mask, a head mask, diving slippers, diving gloves,
the time of his demise. It is assumed that St. Peter demanded that he
remove his shameful rubber outfit before allowing him past the pearly
gates.
13. Movie star found dead in Thailand from act of masturbatory
self-bondage.
Yes, I realize I could have just as easily included Michael Hutchence from
INXS, but the difference between him and actor David Carradine is that a
engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation and sundry other acts of kinky
debauchery. The decisive factor here is that while I found INXS to be only
mildly annoying, Carradine starred as the title character in fake-ass
Bill films, and thus I shed no tears for him.
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* Political Correctness strives to impose innocuous mediocrity as the *
* standard to which we must all aspire. *
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