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From: sdhelweg@hotmail.com (nimbus)
Newsgroups: alt.languages.english
Subject: Re: does this sentence make sense?
Date: 1 Jun 2004 11:49:20 -0700
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Jack Hamilton <jfh@acm.org> wrote in message news:<u96ob0dlgdhmqkcucihnovsun8bmgc4cav@4ax.com>...
> sdhelweg@hotmail.com (nimbus) wrote:
>
> >Hi
> >
> >I need feedback from someone whose native language is english. I wrote
> >a song inspired by The Great Novel "The Great Gatsby". But - the song
> >begins with a line, that I'm not sure makes (even poetic) sense in
> >english. It goes like this:
> >
> >"I piled my charms to the second floor"
> >
> >Is this interpretable? And if it is, how would you interpret it?
>
> You're making a concrete object (something pilable) out of an abstract
> concept (charms). That's OK in poetry, of course.
>
> "Piled" is often used with dense objects, such as bags of cement or
> coins, so for me there's a bit of conflict between "piled" (heavy) and
> charms (light). Perhaps that's what you intend.
>
> Also, "to the second floor" seems a bit odd. Why the second floor,
> which doesn't seem that high (10 feet off the ground)? If you're trying
> to convey a sense of exaggeration, or even of giddiness, "to the 20th
> floor", or some other large number, might work better. To the second
> floor? Either your charms are pretty flat, or you don't have many of
> them.
>
>
>
Thanks a lot for your comments. As for the flatness of my charms -
well let's just say that 20th floor won't do if the song is to remain
singable. But I'll consider the 7th ;-)
>
>
> ==
> Jack Hamilton
> jfh@acm.org
>
> ==
> In the end, more than they wanted freedom, they wanted comfort and security.
> And in the end, they lost it all - freedom, comfort and security.
> Edward Gibbons
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