Dear Doc,
What a good father & friend you are. My heart went out to Brandon and
I sent a little prayer into the Cosmos that he might find the
happiness he deserved.
Love Zackie
On Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:02:04 -0400, NP-f31 wrote:
>This weekend I spent my time with family. I had the chance to spend a
>lot of time with three different boys. The first was my own son, who
>is 13. He had spent the previous two weeks away from me. He spent a
>week with a friend from school, and his family in the mountains. Then
>he went with his Mom to visit family up north. So I hadn't seen him in
>two weeks. I had missed him badly. Turns out he'd missed me too. We
>were at a family reunion up in a different set of mountains. My oldest
>son had brought his girlfriend and she needed her own room so my
>youngest son slept with me. When we got in bed he asked me if we had
>to go to sleep right away because he'd missed me and he really wanted
>to talk. I said we can talk all night if you want. I've spent his
>whole life instilling in him the trust that would allow him to talk to
>me about anything. It has worked. He can talk to me about whatever is
>on his mind (like the alarming differences between himself and the
>other boys in the locker room). Friday night we talked about his
>experiences with his friend's family and how different they were from
>his own family. He knows his family is not perfect, but sometimes it
>compares favorably to the family of his friends. He was intrigued by
>the things he sees now that he's a teenager that he didn't see before.
>He sees the flaws in people he loves and that makes him sad. We talked
>about how others see him. He is always surprised that the parents of
>his friends are smitten with him. I hear comments all the time. He was
>raised as I was, in the southern style where you address adults with
>a, 'Yes sir' and 'Yes Ma'am'. But he is also able to carry on an adult
>conversation and most of his friends, as intelligent as they may be,
>do not have the social grace to engage an adult in serious
>conversation and hold their own. I see this too, but I've spoken to
>him as an equal since he was six years old. Being a father is an
>incredible honor and a lifelong job. Knowing that you helped create a
>soul of such infinite beauty is a humbling experience.
>
>My son is physically beautiful and that is the first thing that you
>would notice about him. However, if you were to have a conversation
>with him, you would be struck by the way he holds your gaze and
>listens so well to you. You know how, as a boylover, you can make a
>boy feel special just by smiling at him in a certain way? He has the
>gift of being able to do this with anyone. It comes as naturally to
>him as it does to you. Is he a boylover? No, he loves everyone. I
>spent some time watching him this weekend, from a nearby vantage
>point. Much of his attention was spent with kids his age or a little
>older, but when I watched him engage other adults, especially older
>adults, I saw the way he made them feel. He has a special relationship
>with a male cousin of mine who is a few years older than me. This man
>was married three times and screwed each marriage up. He was a
>temporary step-father to six different children, only to have them
>move away from him, it honestly crushed him. He is now a virtual
>hermit. He is a good man, as different from me as a full blood
>relative can be. This relative lived with my family at two different
>low points in his life. He was able to form a tight bond with my son
>during those times, and my son adores him. The effect my son has on my
>cousin is as important as the effect he has on my son. I encourage the
>relationship because my cousin can teach my son things that I could
>never teach him, and he can set a contrasting example of what a man
>can be the good and the bad. I encourage the relationship because I
>know that my sons love is one of the few things that keeps my cousin
>from checking out for good.
>
>Having my son all to myself is my favorite pastime. Friday night, we
>lay in bed together, his head on my shoulder, a ceiling fan cooling us
>off, and we talked well into the night about everything that mattered
>to him. We ended up drifting off to sleep. It was the sort of thing I
>dream about as a boylover, and I shared that joy with my own son.
>
>This sort of relationship is not an option for many boylovers.
>However, the goal can be the same. It is entirely possible to have
>that intimate closeness with a boy who is not your natural son. It is
>most rewarding experience a boylover can have.
>
>Which brings me to Brandon. By all accounts Brandon has no business
>being on earth. Born prematurely and with serious problems, he spent
>much of his first two months in a hospital and many subsequent
>operations as he grew. He was a fighter though. Sadly the financial
>strain of keeping him alive ruined his parent's marriage. Brandon's
>father doesn't have much to do with him. Because of this Brandon has
>always been fascinated by me. I met him eight years ago when he was
>eight. He had, and still has, impossibly thin legs and a deep scar
>across his abdomen that bears witness to the struggles of his early
>years. He doesn't have precise motor control over his face and neck
>and sometimes he appears to have cerebral palsy, but that isn't the
>case. When he was eight Brandon still wore braces on his legs. He
>tried his best to compete in the Kid Olympics we staged that summer.
>He loved to be swing around by his arms in circles until he was ready
>to puke. Even then, as a little kid, who couldn't speak precisely or
>clearly, he said things that were so heartfelt and profound that he
>brought tears to the eyes anyone with a soul. He was so appreciative
>of the love and acceptance he received from my family (we made him an
>honorary family member) that he gave thanks. He taught me the lesson
>that even someone who has been so afflicted in his life has the
>capacity and right to be joyful. And so he is. He is 16 now, and still
>doesn't know why I love him the way I do. He is a handsome kid,
>puberty has begun to add muscles to his torso (but not his legs, not
>yet anyway), he shaves a little, but he has a lot of trouble getting
>the attention of girls. He ran errands with me this weekend (I let him
>drive!) and every store we went into had a cute cashier that he tried
>to chat up. They were really almost rude to him, but not quite. His
>clear eyed innocence and loving heart allowed him to brush off these
>rejections in stride, 'Well, she's kind of hard to get to know, isn't
>she?' One day (I pray) he will find a young lady with the same
>innocence and capacity for infinite love that he has. But right now,
>my heart hurts for him. It is a hard, hard and faithless world for
>someone who is so genuinely pure of heart. He is very religious and
>his faith is unshakable. It truly sustains him. And he is the only boy
>I've ever known who sees my boysmile for what it really is: love. The
>time we get to spend together each year is fleeting, but each time we
>meet we fill each other's hearts with what we each need most. The pure
>love of a man for a boy and the pure love of a boy for a man.
>
>Then there is Jacob. Jake is three. He is blonde, blue eyed and
>perfect in every way. In a few more years he will be a boy god, there
>is no question. I only see Jake about three times a year and he
>forgets who I am until we get together next time. This weekend it only
>took him a few minutes to remember me. 'Now what is your name again?'
>Jake has discovered the joy of a boysmile. I would come across him
>periodically in my travels and exclaim, 'Hey Jake!' with a big
>boysmile. This never failed to elicit the same response. He gets a big
>surprised smile on his face and says, 'Hey!' and then he would draw me
>into whatever was on his mind at the moment. 'What's this?' 'That's a
>kazoo, Jake.' "A kazoo? What's that?' 'You can make music with it' and
>I showed him how. Off he went to make 'music' for everyone he came
>across. 'Wanna hear my music?' Jakob is the perfect age to learn
>things. Everything he encounters is full of magic. Remember when the
>whole world was new? We watched butterflies opening and closing their
>wings. 'Are they eating dirt?' 'No, Jake, they're cooling off.' 'Do
>butterflies get hot too?' 'I think so, are you hot?' Thinks for a
>minute...'Yes.' 'You want me to throw you in the creek?' 'No.' 'You
>want me to roll you in the wet grass?' Giggles...'Yes!'
>
>He is so small. Impossibly small, but so exactly perfect. I remember
>just two years ago holding him as he slept. Next year he will remember
>me. He will never forget me. I'll make sure of that because I will
>always make him feel the love I have for him. I will always share
>those little moments of magic. He has a great Daddy, but he will
>always love his Uncle Doc. I will be that special man in his life that
>he always thinks fondly of. My son has one and Jake does too.
>
>This weekend I experienced three different kinds of pure love. The
>love of a son for his father, the grace-filled love of a walking
>angel, and the exuberant love in the hug of a three year old boy.
>
>I know some boylovers see their love for boys as a curse, but to me it
>is gift for which I am daily thankful. Life is what you make it.
>
>Doc
>NP-f31
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