This weekend I spent my time with family. I had the chance to spend a
lot of time with three different boys. The first was my own son, who
is 13. He had spent the previous two weeks away from me. He spent a
week with a friend from school, and his family in the mountains. Then
he went with his Mom to visit family up north. So I hadn't seen him in
two weeks. I had missed him badly. Turns out he'd missed me too. We
were at a family reunion up in a different set of mountains. My oldest
son had brought his girlfriend and she needed her own room so my
youngest son slept with me. When we got in bed he asked me if we had
to go to sleep right away because he'd missed me and he really wanted
to talk. I said we can talk all night if you want. I've spent his
whole life instilling in him the trust that would allow him to talk to
me about anything. It has worked. He can talk to me about whatever is
on his mind (like the alarming differences between himself and the
other boys in the locker room). Friday night we talked about his
experiences with his friend's family and how different they were from
his own family. He knows his family is not perfect, but sometimes it
compares favorably to the family of his friends. He was intrigued by
the things he sees now that he's a teenager that he didn't see before.
He sees the flaws in people he loves and that makes him sad. We talked
about how others see him. He is always surprised that the parents of
his friends are smitten with him. I hear comments all the time. He was
raised as I was, in the southern style where you address adults with
a, 'Yes sir' and 'Yes Ma'am'. But he is also able to carry on an adult
conversation and most of his friends, as intelligent as they may be,
do not have the social grace to engage an adult in serious
conversation and hold their own. I see this too, but I've spoken to
him as an equal since he was six years old. Being a father is an
incredible honor and a lifelong job. Knowing that you helped create a
soul of such infinite beauty is a humbling experience.
My son is physically beautiful and that is the first thing that you
would notice about him. However, if you were to have a conversation
with him, you would be struck by the way he holds your gaze and
listens so well to you. You know how, as a boylover, you can make a
boy feel special just by smiling at him in a certain way? He has the
gift of being able to do this with anyone. It comes as naturally to
him as it does to you. Is he a boylover? No, he loves everyone. I
spent some time watching him this weekend, from a nearby vantage
point. Much of his attention was spent with kids his age or a little
older, but when I watched him engage other adults, especially older
adults, I saw the way he made them feel. He has a special relationship
with a male cousin of mine who is a few years older than me. This man
was married three times and screwed each marriage up. He was a
temporary step-father to six different children, only to have them
move away from him, it honestly crushed him. He is now a virtual
hermit. He is a good man, as different from me as a full blood
relative can be. This relative lived with my family at two different
low points in his life. He was able to form a tight bond with my son
during those times, and my son adores him. The effect my son has on my
cousin is as important as the effect he has on my son. I encourage the
relationship because my cousin can teach my son things that I could
never teach him, and he can set a contrasting example of what a man
can be the good and the bad. I encourage the relationship because I
know that my sons love is one of the few things that keeps my cousin
from checking out for good.
Having my son all to myself is my favorite pastime. Friday night, we
lay in bed together, his head on my shoulder, a ceiling fan cooling us
off, and we talked well into the night about everything that mattered
to him. We ended up drifting off to sleep. It was the sort of thing I
dream about as a boylover, and I shared that joy with my own son.
This sort of relationship is not an option for many boylovers.
However, the goal can be the same. It is entirely possible to have
that intimate closeness with a boy who is not your natural son. It is
most rewarding experience a boylover can have.
Which brings me to Brandon. By all accounts Brandon has no business
being on earth. Born prematurely and with serious problems, he spent
much of his first two months in a hospital and many subsequent
operations as he grew. He was a fighter though. Sadly the financial
strain of keeping him alive ruined his parent's marriage. Brandon's
father doesn't have much to do with him. Because of this Brandon has
always been fascinated by me. I met him eight years ago when he was
eight. He had, and still has, impossibly thin legs and a deep scar
across his abdomen that bears witness to the struggles of his early
years. He doesn't have precise motor control over his face and neck
and sometimes he appears to have cerebral palsy, but that isn't the
case. When he was eight Brandon still wore braces on his legs. He
tried his best to compete in the Kid Olympics we staged that summer.
He loved to be swing around by his arms in circles until he was ready
to puke. Even then, as a little kid, who couldn't speak precisely or
clearly, he said things that were so heartfelt and profound that he
brought tears to the eyes anyone with a soul. He was so appreciative
of the love and acceptance he received from my family (we made him an
honorary family member) that he gave thanks. He taught me the lesson
that even someone who has been so afflicted in his life has the
capacity and right to be joyful. And so he is. He is 16 now, and still
doesn't know why I love him the way I do. He is a handsome kid,
puberty has begun to add muscles to his torso (but not his legs, not
yet anyway), he shaves a little, but he has a lot of trouble getting
the attention of girls. He ran errands with me this weekend (I let him
drive!) and every store we went into had a cute cashier that he tried
to chat up. They were really almost rude to him, but not quite. His
clear eyed innocence and loving heart allowed him to brush off these
rejections in stride, 'Well, she's kind of hard to get to know, isn't
she?' One day (I pray) he will find a young lady with the same
innocence and capacity for infinite love that he has. But right now,
my heart hurts for him. It is a hard, hard and faithless world for
someone who is so genuinely pure of heart. He is very religious and
his faith is unshakable. It truly sustains him. And he is the only boy
I've ever known who sees my boysmile for what it really is: love. The
time we get to spend together each year is fleeting, but each time we
meet we fill each other's hearts with what we each need most. The pure
love of a man for a boy and the pure love of a boy for a man.
Then there is Jacob. Jake is three. He is blonde, blue eyed and
perfect in every way. In a few more years he will be a boy god, there
is no question. I only see Jake about three times a year and he
forgets who I am until we get together next time. This weekend it only
took him a few minutes to remember me. 'Now what is your name again?'
Jake has discovered the joy of a boysmile. I would come across him
periodically in my travels and exclaim, 'Hey Jake!' with a big
boysmile. This never failed to elicit the same response. He gets a big
surprised smile on his face and says, 'Hey!' and then he would draw me
into whatever was on his mind at the moment. 'What's this?' 'That's a
kazoo, Jake.' "A kazoo? What's that?' 'You can make music with it' and
I showed him how. Off he went to make 'music' for everyone he came
across. 'Wanna hear my music?' Jakob is the perfect age to learn
things. Everything he encounters is full of magic. Remember when the
whole world was new? We watched butterflies opening and closing their
wings. 'Are they eating dirt?' 'No, Jake, they're cooling off.' 'Do
butterflies get hot too?' 'I think so, are you hot?' Thinks for a
minute...'Yes.' 'You want me to throw you in the creek?' 'No.' 'You
want me to roll you in the wet grass?' Giggles...'Yes!'
He is so small. Impossibly small, but so exactly perfect. I remember
just two years ago holding him as he slept. Next year he will remember
me. He will never forget me. I'll make sure of that because I will
always make him feel the love I have for him. I will always share
those little moments of magic. He has a great Daddy, but he will
always love his Uncle Doc. I will be that special man in his life that
he always thinks fondly of. My son has one and Jake does too.
This weekend I experienced three different kinds of pure love. The
love of a son for his father, the grace-filled love of a walking
angel, and the exuberant love in the hug of a three year old boy.
I know some boylovers see their love for boys as a curse, but to me it
is gift for which I am daily thankful. Life is what you make it.
Doc
NP-f31
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