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From: "tarzan" <tarz@n.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.sweetness
Subject: SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE
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Date: Fri, 01 Jul 2005 04:32:40 GMT
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SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE In General...
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
2. It is considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to
drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in
private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
distract from a woman! 's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer; it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven
that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does
not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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