Life's New Axioms
1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapenos; you never know what's going to burn your butt.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
5) I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, where in the hell is my ceiling?
7) My reality check bounced.
8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
defeat you with experience.
13) Be careful . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a
kick in the butt.
14) Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be
promoted.
15) The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
16) You can go anywhere you want; if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home......Adjust!
18) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
19) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
20) I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed
bump.
21) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him
how to work it!
22) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the
one with bite marks on the cap!
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