Path: news.nzbot.com!not-for-mail
Newsgroups: alt.fan.oldfart
Subject: Re: R.I.P.
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2004 11:53:53 -0700
Organization: Ignorance Unlimited, Ltd.
Lines: 129
Message-ID: <mdsok0d25et656ncud7m92j2pvnio51b93@4ax.com>
References: <907ik0p5nmtkqgk2rtit7v6o05r14p9ur2@4ax.com> <cprjk0lppl1j0hckoq8pstb7iunuh2vevh@4ax.com> <cigfeg$f6g$0@pita.alt.net>
Reply-To: Why Bother?
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 2.0/32.652
X-No-Archive: yes
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.oldfart:433
and just had to say the following...
>all of us here to read, and said.......
>>
>>
>>>I am sad.
>>
>>You got watertight news? Sigh, I know you have.
>>Minute of silence for one of Usenet's true heroes.
>>Don't hesitate to post this in my group. He deserves that much, and
>>we'll shred whoever applauds his demise.
>>
>
>Hmmmmmm, sounds a bit more water-logged than water-tight. Unless the
>unpleasant little dunce is just tight. And only a minute of silence? Not a
>month? How disappointing!
>But in my humble opinion, I do believe this news of my demise comes as quite a
>shock to ME. Why am I always the last one to be informed? Perhaps rumors of my
>death have been greatly exaggerated. After all, you would think that sort of
>thing could hardly go unnoticed in my busy life. Someone would have been ever
>so kind as to bring it to my attention by now.
>So I will be sorely missed, at least by me. And the woman who likes to take
>care of my needs and hers as well in the process would surely have noticed.
>She likes me present for the festivities in the boudoir. So far she seems
>to have kept it a secret from me. At the very least it might be nice if I were
>unable to hear her and her senseless drivel, except during those special
>moments when her enthusiasm overwhelms her.
>Given this rather shocking news, I made an appointment with the undertaker,
>but he seemed to feel that there might be some problem, and suggested I
>contact the coroner since he was not at all convinced that he could be of
>service. The coroner in turn debated the issue, and felt it best to give me a
>referral to my private physician. And it was he who detected a very weak
>pulse. I then redirected his efforts to MY wrist whereupon he confirmed that
>there may have been an error in the initial diagnosis, and attempted to charge
>me a double fee, to which I retorted that you cannot expect a dead man to pay
>for his services.
>Now this thought led me to a most magnificent idea. If I am dead, I can not be
>held responsible for any debts, or any of my actions for that matter. I can
>however establish a fund in my honor, which I am doing now.
>So I am expecting everyone to contribute heartily, and often, and again after
>that. Those failing to contribute will be expected to pay for tickets to the
>funerals, first of which will be held every seventh day commencing
>the day after tomorrow.
>Well, it sure is good to be dead. This my first death, so bear with me if I
>make a few faux pas. I am sure in time I will get the gist of it in time!!!
Not dead, eh? I wonder how I got so confused, this time?
I'm sure I read bout your demise in my local paper, *The Broken Pelvis
Daily News*, that is published here in Wyoming, 4 times a year.
I'll go and read the obits again......BRB.....
.............OK, here is what I just read:
------------------------------------------------------
Deceased: August 10, 2003.
Yousahr C. Heap, 93.
2294 Scrooge Lane
Water-on-the-knee, Wyoming.
Population: 778, minus 1.
Cause of death: Heart attack, brought on by seeing the bills for his
daughter's college education.
His friends stated that he was a decent man, except when he was awake.
All the people interviewed, by this reporter, claimed that in his
younger days, he was, ".....quite a hellion, and was actually the
town's original wild man."
As he got older, and his mental faculties faded drastically, he was
seldom seen outside of his estate.
Said one of his neighbors,
"Yep, I knew him pretty good alright, yep. He was here when I moved
in, back in the '90's, and we used to talk all the time, yep. Then
he cheated me out of $4.39, a few years back, and I just kinda didn't
see him much after that, nope.
I think maybe he started smoking that funny tobacco, or something,
maybe. Saw him a few months back, walking around in circles, nude,
laughing hysterically.
I watched him dig up some small packages, from under that tree right
over there (points to a tree), and heard him muttering something about
which ones were toasted, and which ones wasn't, and stuff like that.
Then he filled that 5 foot deep hole right back up with the dirt,
grabbed them little packages, and ran into his house. He was still
muttering, and laughing all funny like.
Gave me creeps, it did, yep. He was wild, man, really a wild man!"
He is survived by his significant other, and his children, and a whole
bunch of creditors.
International, and local law enforcement agencies have stated that if
they had known where he was living, they would have arrested him
immediately.
No information on memorial services have been made public.
End.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I think you can see how I might have deduced that that dead fellow was
you, right? I mean heck, it sure sounded like you, and not having
seen you around for a very long time, despite my many Pings directed
at you over the last year, well, what was I supposed to think?
I am, naturally, quite pleased to discover that you aren't actually
deceased, as you still owe me $4.39!
Sincerely,
--
A dunce for all seasons.
Founder & President, *Dunce of the Month Club*
Coordinator, *Yaks for the Yakless, International*
Voted *Usenets Most Trusted Person In History*, 1956 - 2005.
Declared *The Hardest Working Dunce In All Of Usenet*, 1963 - 2005.
Fastman: Faster than a speeding suppository-- straight up your ass!
Quote: "I have never met a dunce I've liked!"
---------
The preceding post was scanned for signs of
FAILED
-----------------
broadcast or otherwise distributed without the prior written
|
|