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From: (gu)stav <no@hushmail.rightnow>
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.pictures.boys.retromod
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Subject: The Theory of Magical Posting
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Date: Fri, 6 Feb 2009 09:23:12 -0500
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We need to thank Excom for his recent contributions to the group,
including his many valuable complaints and his screen name, which
combines the best features of "ex-con," "Exxon," and "excommunicated."
Without such things, our humble newsgroup would be ... um ... quite
different.
But this reminds us that many people today fail to understand how
Usenet works. And so for the benefit of newbies as well as forgetful
oldies like myself, let us review the fundamental principles of
THE THEORY OF MAGICAL POSTING
1. No-one knows where newsgroup posts come from. They appear by magic.
2. If a group has 200 posts today, it will always have 200 posts, every day.
3. Who are the posters? No-one can be certain. In old German
folklore they were called Nachrichtengruppen-Wichtel. No-one today
knows what this means (because everyone today speaks English.) We will
call them Newsgroup Gnomes.
4. The Newsgroup Gnomes are not like us. They have no feelings.
There is no need to thank them for their efforts. They don't post
voluntarily, but rather because they are cruelly made to post by the
shadowy figure who reigns at the heart of the Forest of Arpa.
5. Newsgroup Gnomes are very powerful. They force us to download
every single post, whether we want to or not.
6. One day a young man came among us who said, "Why don't you guys
just ignore the posts you don't like?" He was taken before the elders
of our people. In their wisdom, they stoned him to death.
7. If a Newsgroup Gnome is driven from the group, another will
magically appear.
8. Certain rituals have proven to be effective in driving away
Newsgroup Gnomes whose postings do not please us. These rituals are
called Whining, Flaming, and Acting Like An Asshole. They are most
effective when performed by younger members of the group who have never
contributed anything and cannot spell.
9. Such rituals do not harm the group in any way. They do not even
hurt the Gnome's "feelings" because of Law #4. They may be performed
as often as necessary.
10. After a Gnome we don't like has gone away, a brand-new Gnome, whom
we like very much, will immediately start posting wonderful things JUST
FOR US. Because we are special.
11. Over time, for reasons no-one understands, all the Newsgroup
Gnomes vanish. When this happens, the group dies. We are very sad.
But it's no-one's fault. We performed the rituals correctly.
12. When a newsgroup dies, we send the bravest of our downloaders in
search of other groups. Then we send our young people who will begin
performing the rituals again.
13. And so the eternal cycle of Usenet goes on, and it will go on this
way forever, and we will always have all the posts we like. We don't
know why. It's magic.
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