HMS Victor Victorian <VV@19thCent.net>let his fingers dance across the
keyboard and saidnews:rsel83hkdt6r43km2nkq465ka9l33mjbjt@4ax.com:
> I've taken the liberty, as an aside, to insert a song that became,
> quite by accident, very important in my life.
>
> With so much talk as to whether people, particularly men, who display
> pronounced sexual preferences outside of the mainstream expectations,
> are "born that way" or "learn to become that way" or, to strike a more
> fundamental note, "succumb to the tempations of Satan." Certainly the
> nature vs. nurture arguments have been batted about regarding
> homosexuality in the classic sense, but if one is a child lover, one
> cannot help but wonder--particularly since being such is so reviled
> and stigmatized in Western society--so much so that enlightened legal
> systems haven't a problem tearing away from them the basic legal and
> human rights that are yet held sacred for murderers and serial
> rapists.
>
> Although I am not absolutely convinced, I think the argument that it
> is a born tendency is the only one that holds. There is no convincing
> evidence that a boy [and I shall speak of boys only] who, having been
> "molested" by an adult, will himself develop a sexual preference for
> young boys--unless, of course, he already had that propensity as a
> child and, yes, perhaps even at birth. Although a boy may indeed
> enjoy a sexual experience with another boy or man, that enjoyment is
> no indication if he'll lead a straight or gay or child-loving life. I
> find it dispicable that Western Society insists to the child that this
> IS the case ... as with the boy who told his father he was "afraid
> he'd become a fag." It is just another way society keeps people in
> line, I suppose, whatever the cost.
>
> But, I digress [as usual]. I'll let the brilliant geneticists tinker
> with that one. No doubt they'll identify a gene marker, prescribe
> some advanced and technologically savvy treatment, do a longitudinal
> study of one or two decades, then decide that there was no significant
> statistical evidence for their discovery. A bit like cold fusion.
>
> But, I digress [as usual][again].
>
> Does a boy, then, really know if he will grow up to love boys? And if
> so, how and when might it be revealed and, if it is, would he know
> what it meant?
>
> I was a very shy boy and hesitant ... easily embarrassed and
> intimidated. I had a few friends as a child and we played together.
> We loved all the American things ... and played Army and Cowboys and
> Naked Indians [in swimming attire, I assure you] and, like most boys,
> did some sneaking and peeking at one another's privates and hootchicoo
> dancing. That was all good and fine ... none of it seemed sexual in
> the least. I do recall alot of giggling and the accidental spurting
> of soda pop out of the nose.
>
> But I think the moment that the revelation hit me, was during a
> vacation with the folks in the States. We'd gone off to Disneyland,
> in the state of California ... Anaheim. It must have been '64 or '65
> of the last century [ouch]. I was probably thirteen years old ...
> right at puberty [though I had no inkling what all that was really
> about--just pretended I did, like so many other lads]. Mum and Dad
> had gone off for refreshments ... I remember it was summertime and I
> was left standing in line for one of the rides. They used tickets in
> those days--I understand it's changed, tho' haven't been back in
> decades. It was quite hot and muggy, and I was in a tight line
> waiting to get into the "C" ticket ride called [I believe] The Peter
> Pan Ride.
>
> Heavens! Barrie! Peter Pan! My God, could it have been so
> obvious??? What an amusing coincidence! Or was it a coincidence?
>
> But I digress [as usual][again][repeatedly]. I vividly recall
> turning around to look to see if Mummy and Daddy had returned. There
> was a song playing out on a tinny transistor radio--an instrumental by
> Vince Guaraldi. As I turned, I looked into the face of a boy standing
> directly behind me, a sandy-haired American boy, probably eleven or
> twelve years old. He had one of those American style white sailor
> caps, the kind you can snap the brim down all around--and he had the
> brim down, shading his eyes ... I recall they were deep blue. His
> features were strong, but not overly masculine or feminine--a delicate
> mouth with a ready smile ... a glimmer of excitement in his eyes as he
> looked ahead. Well, something hit me emotionally. I didn't know what
> it was, really ... I didn't have an erection, or any such thing that I
> could have even thought might be sexual [it was then all a mystery to
> me anyway]. I just felt my heart jump and suddenly weak. To tell you
> the truth, it scared me terribly. I looked away quickly, but glanced
> back again. The lad saw me look and asked, "Are you okay?" in a most
> sincere tone, rather than the sarcastic sneer one might expect from
> someone teetering on the brink of teen hood. I stuttered out
> something ... I don't remember what, perhaps, "Uh, yeah. Okay," then
> looked away again, feeling anxious and frightened. Thankfully, at
> last the line began to move and I clamoured into the cart waiting to
> whisk me up and away over London and to Neverland ... alone.
>
> Anyone with some simple arithmetic skills can deduce that I am now
> somewhat sadly over middle age, yet I have never forgotten that ride.
> I have never forgotten that boy. At times I wonder if he'd been
> killed in Vietnam and pray not. And I shall always cherish that piece
> I heard that day by Vince Guaraldi, which when played today yet
> brings tears to my eyes.
>
> Was that the revelation, then? What was a boy to make of such a
> thing?
>
> Well ... silly me. Here's the piece, not that any would be
> particularly interested, rendered by Sounds Symphonic ...
> God Save Her Majesty the Queen.
> God Preserve the Prince of Wales.
> Rule Britannia!
As a newcomer to the group, I almost decided not to post my thoughts on
this. However, I have spent considerable time pondering the same
question.
I believe our attraction is born into us. I don't recall being diddled
by an adult as a child, there was simply not much chance that this
occurred.
I remember normal interaction (playing Doctor) with my young same-age
peers. Lots of same and opposite sex experimentation, beginning before I
started school. I remember I found boys to be more interesting, but
then, I was mostly around little girls as a child.
Around the age of fourteen or so, I found that my age of attraction was
staying a bit younger. I would tend to find thirteen year old boys more
attractive that fifteen year old boys or girls, for example.
This is where the question comes. Am I 'gay'? No there is
absolutely no attraction to adult men. I see men I think are handsome,
sure, but do I want to have their babies? Not a chance. Do I want them
to have mine? Same answer. So, as I got older, the age of attraction
stayed the same.
I wonder sometimes that if this is not a deep desire to recapture
our own boyhood.
Did I know I would be this way (BoyLover)? No, I thought I would
probably just be gay, and that would be that. Things would be much
simpler if it had turned out that way.
Attraction does not mean action. I don't cultivate friendships
with boys, and would not have a sexual relationship with a minor. Things
can get ugly in prison.
So, there it is. No attraction to adult (or otherwise) women, no
attraction to adult men. Not about to try anything with an underage boy.
Doesn't leave many choices, does it? Hell, I even have to pour beer on
my hand to get it drunk, and then half the time it goes to sleep!
I think my personal answer is I knew I liked other boys at an
early age, and the profound discovery I liked younger boys came at about
fifteen or so. I have never been interested sexually in those boys
younger than, say, ten. I see plenty of boys I would describe as cute
(Most of them!), but there's no attraction until about ten through
puberty. After that, once again, no attraction. Pretty narrow range, eh?
So, these are my thoughts and feelings on the question. I think
it's born into us, and boylove may start as peer experimentation, as in
my case. Personally I would love to return to those days, but alas, that
is impossible.
An aside: Some of the most homophobic boys and men I have known
would be the first to fool around, given the excuse of being drunk or
stoned. I think their homophobic actions are simply a denial of their
desires. When I was a boy, I had an acquantience (twelve or so at the
time) that terrorized boys he thought were gay, then came over to spend
the weekend at my house and ...well.let's just say he wasn't a stranger
to certain learned arts...I feel this is still the case today. Men (and
boys) have trouble dealing with their own desires, and forbid others to
have the same desires.
Thank you for bringing this up, Victor. By the way, I enjoyed your
musical interlude, Your story about Disneyland was especially touching.
Thank you for sharing.
--
It has recently been discovered that research causes
cancer in rats.
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